Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I'm in mourning

   I've had one hell of a year, a lot wasn't great, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed 2012 is a hell of a lot better for us.

   My parents got divorced last year, and it took one hell of a toll on everyone. When I should have been concentrating on being sleep deprived from Braxton, I was sleep deprived from him (duh!) but also my parents. I'm one of those people that when something is going wrong, it really attacks me emotionally. I may put up a brave front, but on the inside I'm crumbling like a cookie in a toddler's hands.
   A lot of it is my own fault, instead of admitting that I can't hear anymore of this-or-that, I said I was ok, and let more and more pile up on me. It eventually became to take a toll on how I parented B, and our marriage. I shouldn't have allowed it to get to me that way - I need to learn how to seperate things better than what I do.

   But I finally figured out how I feel about their divorce: I'm in mourning. I'm sad at the loss of my parent's marriage, just like I'd feel as if someone had died. I'm sad at the loss of family gatherings, visits, birthdays, holidays - all of it.
   I need to mourn it, I do. But, they're both throwing daggers at each other, and it's making it more difficult. I don't like how their divorce has played out, but I can't do anything about that. They're adults, and however they choose to handle it is their business. Again, which is hard to let them do - haha!

   I've decided that this year, I don't want to hear the nasty stuff, I don't. I've told them this, but now it's up to them to respect my wishes on it. If you have something nasty to say, then put it in a letter and burn it to get it off your chest. Take up kickboxing, or yoga. Get a new hobby. Something - just don't tear me down with it all.
   Now that's not to say that I don't want to talk to them about what's goinng on, that's not the case - I just don't want the angry emails/phone calls/etc
   I feel as if I lost a whole year of Brax's life becuase of all the drama. I feel left out in some way, I feel Brax is forgotten about, that the other two grandkids sometimes matter more since they're physically in the same town - maybe it's the crazy "mommy emotions" that come with a new baby, but I can't help that's how I feel.

   I wish both my parent's happiness in this new stage of life. It's one of those things that you can be down/angry/whatever about it, but then stop and see that silver lining-  one is always there! There are so many things to be happy about if you just look. I want them to just take a breather and see all that life has to offer. Take up traveling, crocheting, photography, whatever - just be happy in whatever you're doing now.
   All of us are still around, we're all just needing some time to adjust to the new life that's here now... to mourn what is gone, but be excited at the new prospects of what's to come. Silver lining people, silver lining.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you're being optimistic about it & that you've made the decision to get their negativity out of your life. I tend to be the same way when my parents vent to me, I say I'm ok & I can take it but in reality I just end up bringing into my marriage. I've tried not to do it as often, it's not easy though.

    I hope they both respect your wishes :)


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