Friday, June 29, 2012

Welcome to mommyhood!

   Babies are gross... seriously. We all know the pee and poop, and you expect them to do it in their diapers like normal, right? Not my kid. No. I damn well know that if he hasn't pooped by his bathtime before bed, then he'll drop a deuce in the tub about 80% of the time.
   For a while I'd yell at Rich to come scoop it out (which he's had to do by hand more than once) and I'd take B to get clothes on. But, our friends teenager came up with the most brilliant idea - a cat liter box scooper. Seriously. You can get them anywhere, we got this one at the Dollar Store, and it's been a lifesaver! He poops, we scoop. Easy enough. Well, unless it falls apart, obviously.

   And speaking of poop, babies can have blowout diapers. Now, if you're lucky - on unlucky depending on now you see it - you've only had one, maybe two since so far in the nearly 19 months your kid popped out of your vagina. I'm one of the lucky ones - I have pics of his first blow out the day he came home from the hosptital, and I think he had one more after that at some point. Then he had one a few weeks ago... wow, it was horrible.
   We didnt' smell anything (friends teenage daughter over again), he didn't act like he'd gone poo, so we all just sat at the breakfast table eating. When I was done, I went to take him to change his diaper/clothes for the day and it happend.... I pulled his pants off and poop popped on my arm. Seriously, it was like it had springs built in. Not only did poop jump on me, but it was from his ankles to his thighs. All. Over. Everywhere.
   Now in a situation like this you'd think one would just quickly start cleaning their kids up - who, it seems to me, has just realized he's covered in shit, and is whining as well. But, no, I'm not that person. I instead scream for Rose (teenager) to bring me my phone and take a pic of it. I'm gagging so much my eyes are watering and I pee myself some. Really.
   After our awesome mommy photo-op, I clean Braxton up as much as I can, and get him into the tub - there is only so much baby wipes can clean up, people! - while Rose was in charge of washign out his poop covered pants so I could put them in the washing machine.
    Moral of the story: Shit happens.

    Then, ontop of poop, last week Braxton puked. He's done spit-up puke, obviously, and he's also choked on a chip (Rich popped it out, B coughed a bunk, got scared and puked,a lot.) and puked - but last week was different. Projectile vomit.
   Brax was eating a cookie like an Oreo, he was doing great with it! He coughed, I checked him and he wasfine, then he just puked on the table. Now that got my attention! Then he cried, puked to his right (I found it 4 feet away!), then his left, cried some more, then promptly puked on the tray of his chair, and floor.
   Again I deserve the Mom of the Year award - I grabbed my camera and took a pic. Hey, he's covered in puke, he's fine, no danger! *haha!* Now after that I ran him a bath, got him dressed, and set up with a milk on his bed with a movie and a binky to calm down. I then had to clean up the crime scene he'd created - how awesome would it have been to have a pic taken of it all with crime scene tape around?! Again, I'm not built for this kind of stuff - I'm a quesy person with bodily fluids. I dry heaved a while, gagged, pissed my pants while doing it, then puked into a plastic sack where I was throwing puked-covered paper towels from B's vomit. It was like a horrible YouTube video.

    Moral of the story: I dont' have one, but it's funny to know I pissed my pants twice this month.

Ohhh, Lord... .the vomit.

And now poop. This pic doesn't make itlook bad at all, but trust me, it was everywhere.

1 comment:

  1. omg, you just steered me away from wanting kids for the next year. So gross! I'm a total wuss when it comes to cleaning up puke & poop.

    No lie, I'm dry heaving just thinking about it haha.


Blog Design by April Showers