When life turns all around

  It's been a damn rough year. A kick you in the balls so hard you want to vomit and shit at the same time type of year.

  I've been distant from blogging, and that makes me so sad. I've missed documenting so much of our lives, and I won't get that back. I miss putting my crazy thoughts down, getting it off my chest, and out of my head, and making sense of it all.

  Since Rich lost his job, it's been hard on us. We've fought more in the last year and a half than almost our entire marriage. I'm sure we've had moments when we wish we could be done, but we love each other too much. Damnit, if we can make through PTSD, and the years of working through jt, we can make this, too.
 
  The silver lining out of all of it? The kids got the help they needed.
   Brax was able to start speech and occupational therapy, and progressed. We had him diagnosed with adjustment disorder (so you can imagine the shitstorm if was when we uprooted him from FL to TX), potentially ADHD, he's defiant, and sensory processing disorder (SPD).
  He started pre-k this year, and we were terrified, but after adjusting to it, he's seriously kicked ass. He has some days were he's not great, but out of the last 3-4 weeks he's gotten a smile on his report every day but 3. I'll totally take it! He goes weekdays 8-3, just like everyone else in school, so he jumped into it all!

  Jilly was able to get her kidney surgery back last November, and she's been UTI free since then! That's huge! She was getting them every few weeks like clockwork, so to know she's not in pain anymore is awesome.
  She'd decided to hold off on walking til a week before she turned one, and then she was straight up running days later, and hasn't stopped. She talks a lot better than Brax ever did at her age, and uses sign language on top of it. So we'll continue learning jt, and incorporating it in our daily lives even more.

 
  Rich is struggling emotionally. He went from a job he loved so, so damn much, making good money to nothing. He'll make less than half of what he made last year, we barely make enough to cover the ghetto apartment, electric and cells. If we didn't have food stamps, we'd be screwed. Even then those run out so quick that we have to move bills around to put food in the fridge - some paydays we don't make it, and have to sell something. We've gotten less than 24 hours away from having to go to a food pantry. (Please note that our kids are NEVER without, ever. We always find a way to make it work, and there is always food/snacks for them, they're growing kiddos.)
  It's humbling and embarrassing all at the same time. Our families and friends have no idea of our struggles, and we keep it that way. Neither of us have ever had to go through something like this, it's new uncharted territory, and we're finding ways to make it work.
 
  We fought so hard to pay off debt the last few years, and we're less than 9 months away to being debt free when Rich lost his job. We didn't have a savings, we'd been putting money into debt to make it go away so we could better ourselves, and then the rug was pulled from under our feet. And now we're in even more debt than what we ever used to have since we couldnt continue to pay it off. Talk about life lessons being taught the hard damn way.

  Perk about all of it? We know how strong we are. We know we can fight, cry, get depressed, but still know we love each other. That no matter what, I'll get a highfive  and kiss from Brax, Jillian will want me to wear her and give hugs, and my husband will hold my hand through it all.
   Silver linings are there, just have to know where to find them.

How my views have changed

 

When I look in the mirror now I see an (almost!) 32 year old, someone who looks tired from the lack of sleep. Someone who has laugh lines, and starts of wrinkles, and tons of grey hair. Someone who's gotten more round and fluffy. One that looks down at her deflated - well, it's not deflated anymore, it's full of food - belly and longs for another baby, until the current ones start screaming. A person who still longs for more travel, more family time, more (or even one!) date nights with her husband of almost 11 years.

 

I see the way my husband looks at me, and know that he loves me more today, than the day he married me at our ripe ages of 20. Someone who bends over backwards, forwards, sideways and sometimes puts his head up his own ass, all because he says he's the head of the house, and taking care of us is his life mission. Someone who gets frustrated one minute, but a simple "I love you dad." softens him like butter. Someone that's still growing, and liking what he's becoming.

 

It's been a looooong time

   Hi world, I know it's been a while. Oh hell, who am I kidding, it's been forever. I know, I know. I miss this. If I actually completed any New Year's resolution crap, I'd totally blog about how I will do this every single day, pinky promise, I swear. Wah, wah, wah. I'll try, that's as good as I can give at the moment.

   Life has thrown some major curveballs the last, what, year or so? So much so that I don't have time, or the mental ability to go through indetail at the moment everything, so I'll bullet it.

- March: Jillian was born, spent two weeks in NICU

- May: Rich got confirmation that him, and the other guys, were being laid off... at the end of the month. Seriously scramble looking/applying for jobs.

- June: On the 1st we loaded up, and moved back to Texas since we hadn't heard back from anything. Moved in with my sister, her husband and two kids. Celebrated 10 years being married.

- July: Rich finally got a job at the end of the month. Bocephus, my wonderful old man of a Boston, passed away. Moved in with my mother upon making up. Jillian got a UTI from ecoli.

- August: Braxton started occupation and speech therapy. Jillian got a UTI from ecoli.

- September: Rich started at new company, pay/hours are a third of what he was making. Jillian got a UTI from ecoli.

- October:  Jillian got a UTI from ecoli. Braxton had his tonsils removed. I had a tubal.

- November: Made up with my dad and stepmother. Jillian got a UTI from ecoli. Jillian had surgery to repair her messed up kidney.

- December: Jillian got a UTI from ecoli, she also had the stent removed from the surgery last month. Braxton turned 4.

   And here we are, new year, new happiness? Lord, I hope so.


   I'm hoping to get back into blogging, I'm fighting some nasty post partum depression still 10 months down the line. I know a lot of it has to do with the situations at hand, add in baby blues that refuse to go the hell away, and I'm a regular basket case.
   So, here's to trying to stay motivated, and keep this up. Life has been so insane, I know I won't even believe it when I type it all out.

Hello...

World (finally!) meet Jillian Marie 💜 She was born at the end of March, spent two weeks in NICU, and is now 6 weeks old. 

Lord life has been crazy!

I'm a little late posting, but.....

I'm 11 weeks this week! We'll go October 1stvyo do our first ultrasound and find out what it is! 

Parent's suck

   I'm a first time mom, obviously, and when you're knocked up you go into it all thinking of ways you want to raise your kid. For example, I was adament about toy boxes - I didn't want toys all over my house, they needed to be cleaned up, for the most part tidy. Did that happen? Hell no. I've got toys all over my house- granted I do have toy boxes, and we clean up every night, but that's just the smidge of OCD I have going on. I also didnt' want to co-sleep, which we don't unless B is super sick, otherwise HE pushes us out of his room, off his bed, etc, he doesn't want anything to do with it.
   But, after your kid is finally born, you realize as they're getting older that the idea of how you'd parent them has to change. That you can't be so dead-set on what you're wanting, you have to let them guide you. We're ok with that, we let B "tell" us what he's thinking or how he's reacting to things - take potty training for instance  (which is a whole other big post), we're going through it now, and we let him "tell" us when he was ready. We'd put undies on him about once a month and see how he reacted, and up until this month, he didn't care. He let us know by getting excited when he went on the potty. Which leads to tons of positive reenforcement, B does better when you tell him what he's done good at, he's more inclinded to keep doing the action. So does that mean he gets a ticker-tape parade for putting his dirty plate on the kitchen cabinet after breakfast? Hell yes.


   Yesterday evening we went to af riends house for a little gathering, and we knew it was going to be a bit difficult to take B with us because those terrible two's have reared it's horribly ugly head. He can be defiant, he can be overly excited and lovey, he's just being two.
   Well when we got there we were the only ones with a kid, which was cool, B was more mellow, he walked around and did stuff, "talked" to people, whatever. Then a guy Rich works with came in with three kids (7, 5 and 10 months) and it went downhill quick. B wanted to play with and talk with the other kids, so he tried staying near them. B stole a chip off the girls plate, we reprimanded him, and moved on. B wanted to move and interact, and the person hosting the party didn't care, he'd talk to him adn play with him (he has two kids of his own, but they live with their mother) so everything was ok. But, the guy with the kids was a douche. Brax scooped up some dip with achip - which he hadn't put in his mouth, so it was double-dipping, and Rich held his hand when he did it so his fingers didn't get on the food. No big deal to us, or to anyone else that Rich saw, but it irked that guy I guess. He then asked Rich if he'd read any books about "strong willed kids" - he was insulting us, our kid and parenting.
   I will be the first to admit that right now, yes, B can be a handful, but he's normally not that way - and that guy didn't know that, he'd just met me and B for the first time, but he felt the need to open his mouth and give parenting advice. I'm not one for unwarranted advice, I think if someone asks your opinion, that's one thing, but damn sure don't give it to me if I didn't ask for it.
   So my evening had me in super-angry-tears after Rich told me, he was didn't tell me til after we'd left, which was nice because I don't know what I wouldn't said.

   I have friends that I don't personally agree with their parenting style all the time, and I'm ok with that - as long as their kid is happy and healthy, it's not my place to give un-solicited advicet ot them, it's rude, and obviously not needed. We can all parent our children the way that we see fit, but something has shifted in our society, and we think that everyone is stupid, that they don't know what they're doing and how you're a better parent than they are.
   I may be a first time parent who's doing it with no help whatsoever from family/friends, we're seriously winging it, and guess what? My kid is fucking awesome. So far int he short two+ years of his life, I'm liking who he is - he loves to give sugars and hugs all day, sure he may knock you over in the proces, but he'll help you up and say "sowwy! Ew-k?" He'll carry a bag of grocceries in for you, he'll bring you random tokens he finds in the yard, he'll hold your hand or rub your hair while watching tv. Sure there are moments when he grabs the light sabers and wants to duel to your knuckles bleed, or spray you with the cold water hose, or "dead man" you when you try to pick him up after he's gotten in trouble. Sure, that all happens too, and sometimes all in one hour. But that doesn't make him a horrible kid, or my parenting technique bad either.
    So for the love of all things holy, please stop with the advice, unless you want the southern belle to come out in me and tell you that from where I'm from, if you don't have something nice (or productive!) to say, then say nothing at all, and bless you're heart for not having the manners to do so.

crazy typing while jamming full blast of "some nights" - deal with all the typos, im not ging back

sometimes i get in this awful-crazy kind of funk, and its hard to get out of it, and i haaaate it. its hard to get in a funk with a kid..... amd a husband... and pets... teenager.... family.... friends. you dont have time,nwhhich doesnt seem too damn fair to me. i mean, come on already?! i wipe your ass, clean up dishes, vaccum, have sex, listen to teenage drama, pet you, and just all around have to be everyones everything. its exhausting. its just so damn tiring simetimes. theres are just moments when you dont want to any of it for a while, just put your headphones on, blast some music thatnjust forces your body to move with out your help, your head bobbing along, throw yr hand in the air at the awesome drum hit that reverberates in your chest, and your eyes close, and you just lose yourself those few moments. sometomes its all you need to help bring yourself back to the reality youre sitting in. younrealize that after hearing the same song on repeat has been alpmost thereaputic, and you need to change it something it a little less 'funk like', something that makes younwant to get up and dance with your husband, your sick-fussy toddler and just bust out in silly dance moves that leave you in giggles.

some days as a parent, wife, confidant is tiring. sometimes its overwhleming, it can crush you if you let it. the last few months ive had a lot of these moments. so, with that being said, ill be making an appointment ti get myself on my own dose of crazy-meds. :) ive been on meds a few times to help deal woth rich's ptsd over the last eight years, so i have no qualms with saying i need some help for a bit until i cam get life back on track. my rollercoaster track is wobbly right now. but it always gets straight aain, ive got the faith to keep working on it.